Defendant Jokes / Recent Jokes

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to the defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel"

"Damn tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out.

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I asked to borrow more...

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor,"You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split."

Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, “When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?”“Yes, sir, they were.”“Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”“Yes, sir, she did.”“And,” looking at Judi, "what was it she said?”“She said, ‘What disco am I at?’”

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me,"
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout more...

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?"Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."

Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'
Collected by Richard Lederer, reprinted in N.H. Business Review
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers
in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here
are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers
of the word:
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you more...