Desk Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.
George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.
His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything.
He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary.
And the moral of the story: "Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway."

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn`t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I`m doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is more...

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You`re not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his more...

A Blonde, called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows". The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Here`s a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they`re not looking, pour most of someone`s fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say `good morning` to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can`t talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don`t want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you more...

The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

There once was a little boy named Little Deeper. He was in the 3rd grade and his dad was the principal of his school. One day, he used this to the best of his advantage,...on his teacher.
He walked up to her desk, told her to take her clothes off.She said "
no"
.He said, "
if you don't, I'll tell my dad & he'll fire you"
, so she did.
Next, he walked up to her and told her to get on the desk and dance. She rejected again. He threatened her once again, and she did it.
One last time, he walked up to her desk, told her to f**k him. She screamed "
NO"
. Again, he threatened her again. So,...she gave in and did him.
Right as they started, his dad, the principal, walked in.He started screaming "
LITTLE DEEPER"
, "
LITTLE DEEPER"
, LITTLE DEEPER!!"
His son replied,"
Dad, if I go any deeper, I'll get STUCK!!!"