Diagnosis Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis. They spotted our Santa leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace.
The two students introduced themselves to Santa and told him that they didn`t agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.
One says, "My friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of us is correct?"
Santa replies, "Well boys, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"
HOW TO TELL IF YOU WORK IN AN EMERGENCY ROOM
1. You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
2. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
3. You believe that a good tape job will fix anything.
4. You have the bladder capacity of five people.
5. You can identify the "positive teeth to tattoo" ratio.
6. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
7. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
8. You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.
9. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
10. You have your weekends off planned for a year.
11. When a pt. presents with a list of 30 allergies to meds you automatically think they are a drug seeker or a pt. of Dr. Solotkin.
12. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.
13. You more...
A couple of young medical students were standing on a street corner watching people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have noticed in the passers-by. They would then attempt to make the proper diagnosis.
An old fellow left a bar and they noticed he was waddling like a duck as he slowly went down the street. The two students introduced themselves to the old man and told him that they disagreed with each other's diagnosis of his problem.
One of the students said, "My friend says you have a hernia, and I think you have a bad case of hemorrhoids. Which of us is right?"
The old man replied, "Well, guys, I thought it was a fart, so it looks like we're all wrong!"
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been
overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said. "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent more...
A young doctor moved to a small, remote town to replace the elderly doctor who was preparing to retire. When he was making his rounds, the older doctor suggested that the younger one accompany him so the residents could meet him and get used to having a new doctor.
The woman at the first house they visited complained of feeling sick to her stomach.
The older doctor said, "Perhaps you've been overdoing it with the candy and sweets. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger doctor said, "How on earth did you come to your diagnosis so quickly? You didn't even examine that woman."
"I didn't have to examine her," explained the older doctor. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? Well, when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a lot of candy wrappers in the trash. Most likely, that was what was causing her to feel sick."
"Pretty more...
A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: "You have a tennis elbow". The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom. He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample. After 30 seconds the printout read: "Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow."
A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: "You have a tennis elbow".
The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom.
He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample.
After 30 seconds the printout read: "Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow."