Diagnosis Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.
They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.
One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia." Which of us is correct?
The old man replies, "Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis. They spotted our Santa leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace.
The two students introduced themselves to Santa and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.
One says, "My friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of us is correct?"
Santa replies, "Well boys, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem. One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia." Which of us is correct? The old man replies, "Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"

1. You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.

2. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

3. You believe that a good tape job will fix anything.

4. You have the bladder capacity of five people.

5. You can identify the "positive teeth to tattoo" ratio.

6. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.

7. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

8. You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.

9. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

10. You have your weekends off planned for a year.

11. When a pt. presents with a list of 30 allergies to meds you automatically think they are a drug seeker or a pt. of Dr. Solotkin.

12. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.

13. You encourage an obnoxious pt. to sign out AMA just so you don't more...

A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: "You have a tennis elbow".
The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom.
He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample.
After 30 seconds the printout read: "Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow."

It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a more...