Diamond Jokes / Recent Jokes
Age DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "Burger King" 25 "Free meal" 35 "A diamond" 48 "A bigger diamond" 66 "Home Alone"
After Christmas Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought thier wives for Christmas.
Tom says "I got my wife a 3 carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW".
Harry asked "if you got her a 3 carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW".
"So if she didn't like the ring I knew that she would like the BMW" said Tom, "well what did you get your wife?"
Harry replies "well I got her a pair of flip flops and a dildo".
Tom laughs and askes "why did you get her a dildo?"
"Well so if she didn't like the flip flops she could go screw herself"
Harry bought his wife a very large and impressive diamond ring for Christmas.
One or two close friends had actually seen this token of Harry's extravagance and very soon the news was all round the village.
His friend Sam, however, had not seen it and made a point of meeting up with Harry to get the details first hand.
"I hear you've bought Wendy a very special diamond ring for Christmas."
"That's right" Harry confirmed.
"Well thanks a lot! Now the wife's telling me what a cheapskate I am. Besides which, you told me Susie wanted a Freelander four-by-four for Christmas."
"Get real." said Harry,"Where the hell am I going to get a fake Freelander?"
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old. "So, did you do it?" his lawyer asked. "Of course not," the old man replied. "But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty."
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Jason showed his buddy the beautiful diamond ring he had bought his girlfriend for her birthday. "I thought she wanted a four-wheel-drive vehicle," ventured his friend. "She did," Jason said. "But where am I going to find a fake Jeep?"