Dictator Jokes

This political joke is from the book "From Beirut to Jerusalem," by
Thomas Friedman.
A minister goes to the Syrian dictator Hafez Assad after a national election.
Minister: I have excellent news, Mr. President! You won 98.6% of the
vote in the election! Less than 2 percent of the people dissented!
What more could you possibly want?
Assad: Their names.

Olie and Lena are getting ready to go to a Halloween party. Lena comes out almost naked except for a ribbon with a lemon tied around her waist.
Olie days, "Lane, is that what you're going to wear?"
Lena says, "Yes Olie, it is."
Then Olie goes back and comes out almost naked except for a ribbon with a potato tied around his waist
Lena asks, "Olie, is that what you're gonna wear to the party?"
Olie says, "Yes, I figured if you could go as a sour puss, I could go as a dictator."

Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Please let us know!

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to more...

Pak dictator Zia is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address. Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits it.
Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Zia climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Zia what they should do, and Zia tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.
All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Zia whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.
Zia agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the more...

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises. So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no dictator... 10 minutes longer... no dictator. One assassin turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."