Dictionary Jokes / Recent Jokes

While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supples. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an' imaginary aircraft.'" He got his new dictionary.

Santa was talking to his fiancee, Jeeto, and he said, "Be honest, how am I as a lover?"
To which Jeeto replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."
"Really?" Santa said excitedly.
"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'."
Santa was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

Stock Market Dictionary for this year's investor:

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction - The day after more...

Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle? Because of all the cheetahs! What do you call a elephant that never washes? A smellyphant! Teacher: "Where would you find an elephant?" Pupil:"You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!" What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you! Teacher:"To which family does the elephant belong?" Pupil:"I don't know, nobody I know owns one!" How do you spell elephant? E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t"That's not how the dictionary spells it""You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it!" Teacher: "Name six wild animals"Pupil:"Four elephants and two lions!" What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court? Annette! Bill: "My homework is really difficult tonight, I've to write an essay on an elephant."? Bert: "Well, for a start your going to need a big ladder.." Why do more...

WHY? . ..... 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 8. Why do' tug' boats push their barges? 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 12. Doesn't' expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 13. Why are a' wise man' and a' wise guy' opposites? 14. Why do' overlook and' oversee' mean opposite things? 15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it more...

The Dictionary: what hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it

New: Different color from previous design.
All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Revolutionary: It's different from our competitiors.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Improved: Didn't work the first time.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we more...