Died Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three girls died and were brought to the gates ofheaven. Upon entering the gate, they were haltedby St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering youmust answer this simple question." "Which is. ..?", they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl."Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I gotmarried and was still virgin even after I got married.""Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl. .. the golden key.""Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl."Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before Igot married but was not after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl. .. the silver key.""Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl."Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex withevery guy I met before and more...
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1...What are you thinking about?
2...Do you love me?
3...Do I look fat?
4...Do you think she is prettier than me?
5...What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).
As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a...Baseball. b...Football. c...How fat you are. d...How much prettier she is than you. e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps more...
We were just having a bitch about the man (more or less agreed, only a man would think of such a thing) who invented guns, and how he died.
Something like:
His son walks into the room: "Hey dad, what does this lever do?"
Or:
Son can you hold this while I clean out the other end? (The barrel) Geez, its really dark down this barrel. Let me have a closer look...
There was a guy sitting in a bar, just having a normal day, when a someone ran in and said, "Mike! Mike, your house is on fire!" He jumped up, but then he said, "Wait, I live in a trailer."
Then he sat down and someone came running into the room and said, "Mike!Mike, your mom just died." So, he jumped up and started running to the door, but then he said to himself, "Wait, my mom died five years ago."
Then when he sat down, another guy came in and said, "Mike! Mike, you just won the lottery!"
He got up and was running for the door and then he said, "Wait my name is not Mike."
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best more...
There was a blonde that lived next to a brunette. One day, the blonde was crying so the brunette went over and asked what was wrong. The blonde said, "My mom just died." So the brunette comforted her all day.
The next day the blonde was crying again, so the brunette went over and asked, "Whats wrong now" the blonde said "My sister just called... Her mom died too."
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond."Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked."Of course it me," Bob replied."This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?""Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?""Tell me the good news first.""Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.""Oh, that is wonderful! So what more...