Died Jokes / Recent Jokes

Famed Anthropologist Mary Leakey died at the age of 83. Leakey
was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace, until
some nosy anthropologist digs her up.
- Norm MacDonald

Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek-----------------------------------------There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision. Medical Technology------------------------On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and sealyour ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices. Transporter--------------It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that more...

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five more...

Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why? Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"__________________________________________Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet! __________________________________________Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap! __________________________________________Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"Husband to wife: "Golfing more...

A widow named Patricia lived alone in the countryside with her pet dog, which she loved and was totally devoted to. After many years of companionship, her dog died, so she went to see the parish priest.
"Father, my old dog has died and I was wondering if you could be saying a mass for the dear soul?" Patricia said.
"I'm very sorry to hear about your dog's passing," Father Murphy said. "Unfortunately, we are unable to have services for an animal in the church. There is, however, a new denomination down the road. There's no telling what they believe, so perhaps they'll do something for the animal."
"I'll go there right now," Patricia replied. "By the way, Father, do you think that $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
"Why didn't you tell me your dear dog was a Catholic?" Father Murphy replied.

Sung to the tune of "American Pie" A long, long week ago I can still remember how the market used to make me smile What I'd do when I had the chance Is get myself a cash advance And add another tech stock to the pile. But Alan Greenspan made me shiver With every speech that he delivered Bad news on the rate front Still I'd take one more punt I can't remember if I cried When I heard about the CPI I lost my fortune and my pride The day that NASDAQ died So bye-bye to my piece of the pie Now I'm gettin' calls for margin' Cause my cash account's dry It's just two weeks from a new all-time high And now we're right back where we were in July We're right back where we were in July Did you buy stocks you never heard of? QCOM at 150 or above?' Cos George Gilder told you so Now do you believe in Home Depot? Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio? And can you teach me what's a P/E ratio? Well, I know that you were leveraged too So you can't just take a long-term view Your broker shut you down more...

Chuck Norris was promised that when he died he would come bak as the greatist man who eva lived. ....... so he came back as himself