Diet Jokes / Recent Jokes

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch more...

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play more...

Your salary is less than your tuition.
You now have to pay your own credit card bill.
You go from 130 days of vacation time down to 7.
You keep more food than beer in your fridge.
You haven't watched a soap opera in over a year.
Your car insurance premium goes down.
Your dog is now fed Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
You refer to college students as kids.
You no longer confuse the 401K plan with the 10K run.
Police don't raid the parties you go to.
You no longer get carded.
Jeans and baseball caps aren't the main focus of your wardrobe.
You have to file your own taxes.
Your parents begin to make casual remarks about grandchildren.
Mac and Cheese is no longer considered a well-balanced diet.
You take an interest in the weather channel.
Adults are comfortable telling sex jokes in front of you.
Your potted plants stay alive.

The Non-Stress DietThis diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day.Breakfast1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim MilkLunch4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo CookieMid-Afternoon SnackRest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped CreamDinnerLoaves of Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars Rules For This Diet1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and more...

Beer and Ice Cream Diet

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.

Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. X 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the more...

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts. . .
“Artichokes … are just plain annoying … After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual ‘food’ out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead. ” - Miss Piggy
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. ” –Sam Levinson
“This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them. ” - Gracie Allen
“I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. ” - Erma Bombeck
“I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. ” - Joe E. Lewis
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not more...

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said,' I'd like some fries.' The more...