Diet Jokes / Recent Jokes
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter
disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a more...
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The
trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat
(the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the
liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit
after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle
Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds
are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to
all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor
before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing
him afterwards. Good Luck! !!
DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast
with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers;
dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear
the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
and a glass more...
1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. e. g. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. e. g. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. more...
This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day
BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 Slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Chocolate biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping
1 jar Nutella
DINNER
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves Garlic Bread
1 family size Supreme Pizza
3 Snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad which read: Lose weight $1. 00 a pound. And it simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked,' How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded,' Ten pounds.'. The voice replied,' Very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'.
About 9: 00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here stands a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stateing,' If you catch me you can screw me'. Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through more...
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We`ve had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We`d like to get away from our husbands, if they haven`t left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We`ve survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound We can easily more...