"The toddler diet" joke

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The
trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat
(the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the
liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit
after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle
Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds
are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to
all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor
before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing
him afterwards. Good Luck! !!

DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast
with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers;
dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear
the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of
flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor
and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial
of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful
of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take
outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until
it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust
up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed
potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat
one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half,
stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up
yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the
cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on
table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some
red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if
possible.

FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any
flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over
bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is
soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room
carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave
meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.