Ice Jokes

Caught in the Act:

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:' Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Burning with anger, but thinking the husband could only dig himself deeper; she turned, and with ice in her voice, said:' FINE.'

'Well, on the bus home, I met this young girl. She looked poor and tired, so I offered her a ride from the transit station. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that old birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit more...

THE FOLLOWING STORY CONTAINS EXPLICIT USAGE OF OBSCENE LANGUAGE IN A SEXUAL
CONTEXT. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE BELOW THE ACCEPTABLE AGE OF 18 YEARS. THE
AUTHOR IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY VIOLATION OR IGNORANCE OF THIS WARNING.

There was once a posh gentleman who went to this luxurious, and highly
pompous restaurant for a lavish dinner. He called a waiter, asked for the
menu card, and then ordered a French soup a la' creme. Moments later, the
waiter returned with the soup with his index finger poked inside the
soup-bowl. Seeing this disgusting sight, the gentleman was dismayed, but
with regard to his gentlemanly manner, remained quiet. He then ordered for
apetizers, and the main course.
During each of his courses, he noticed that the waiter was always poking his
thumb into the dish. This time, the man was utterly annoyed, but still
stayed calm, forcing his urging desire to punch the waiter, to regress.
After enjoying more...

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Deez here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
Ya. Avery night I take deez here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim' round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Cajun
"When are you going to call more...

A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30, 000+, and has $400. 00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets ahold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on. Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill... Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand more...

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, "I think its going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?" So off went junior for Fathers umbrella, but three days later he still hadnt returned. "I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat juniors ice cream before it melts." And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I wont go."