Diet Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet." I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, andrepeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'llhave lost at least 5 pounds." When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly20 pounds." Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow myinstructions?" The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going todrop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.' 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.''

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.' 'Why, that's amazing!'' the doctor said,' 'Did you follow my instructions?''

The woman nodded.' 'I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.''

''From hunger, you mean?''

''No, from skipping.''

My sister went on a crash diet. Is that why she looks a wreck?

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.
His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating 'this deadly gas'."
Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;
"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald' n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".
Well, the rest of his words were too more...

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to
7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie more...

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts..."Artichokes... are just plain annoying... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." - Miss Piggy"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." -Sam Levinson"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." - Gracie Allen"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." - Erma Bombeck"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." - Joe E. Lewis"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead." - more...