Diet Jokes / Recent Jokes
Signs you've grown up!
1. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
2. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
3. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
4. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p. m.
5. Dinner and a movie - it's the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
6. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
7. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
8. A $4. 00 bottle of wine is no longer' pretty good stuff'.
9. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
10. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho's.
11. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
12. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
13. You more...
"Artichokes. .. are just plain annoying. .. After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual `food` out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy "The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson "This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn`t say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen "I`ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I`ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck "I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis "I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen "Food more...
The beautiful young blonde goes to a soda machine at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. She arrives just before a businessman. She opens her purse and put in 50 cents, pushes a Diet Pepsi button, and out comes a Diet Pepsi. She puts it on a counter by the machine and reaches back into her purse. She pulls out a dollar and puts it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushes the button for Dr. Pepper and out comes a Dr. Pepper and 50 cents change. She takes the 50 cents change and puts it in the machine, pushes the Lipton Iced Tea button, and out comes a Lipton’s Iced Tea. As she reaches into her purse again, the businessman who has been waiting patiently for several minutes says, “Excuse me, but are you done yet? ” She looks at him and indignantly replies, “Well Duhhh!!! I’m still winning. ”
...new studies show that a mother's diet can help determine the sex of a child...women who have a hearty breakfast laced with sugar were more inclined to have a son...women who consume a low energy diet that skimps on calories & nutrients are more likely to have a girl...and women who consumed both are likely to give birth to rosie o'donnell...
I just started a new diet. You can drink all the fruit juice you want, you can eat all the vegetables you want, and you can drink all the wine you want.
So far, I've lost 13 lbs and one driver`s license!
Diet for Stress How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milkLunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookieMid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauceDinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers barsLate Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)Rules for this Diet1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for more...