Diet Jokes / Recent Jokes

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

The 1997 nominees are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend`s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns` clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in more...

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds. ” When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing! ” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions? ” The blonde nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day. ” “From hunger, you mean? ”, asked the doctor. ” “No, from all that skipping. ”

Why are the first three letters of diet DIE? No wonder this diet is killing me.
If your second doctor has a different opinion, does that make a paradox?
If you have two dimes, is that a new paradigm?
If you have two different viewpoints simultaneously is that a parasites?
If you hire two lawyers, does that mean that both lawyers could be replaced by one paralegal?
If you shoot two deer in one day is that called a parachute?
If you are lax about something, and then are lax about it again is that called a relax?
Do two normal people make one paranormal?
When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to strain twice?
If you are a complete pessimist, does this mean you are positively negative?
When a person rewrites a poem to make it better, does that mean he is reversing himself?
When Bach or Beethoven erased a manuscript to make changes, were they decomposing?
Are two dice a paradise?

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days.
"Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then skip the third day."
So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day.
The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is your diet?"
She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired."

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts. . . "Artichokes. .. are just plain annoying. .. After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual' food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- more...

A man has been feeling quite ill for some time, so he finally goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo a series of tests. After the tests are done, he wakes up in a private room and the phone beside his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We have the results from your tests and we've found that you have a very serious Sexually Transmitted Disease!"
"Oh no! What are we going to do, doctor?" the man asks nervously.
"Well, we're going to put you on a special diet of pita bread, pancakes and pizza," answers the doctor.
"Will that cure me?" he asks.
"Unfortunately, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food we can get under the door!"

He’s not one to do things in halves…He does them in fifths.
* When he returns from lunch, he is so loaded they make him take the freight elevator.
* He’s been frequenting a new night club. It has the nicest tables he’s ever been under.
* When he gets a cold, he buys a bottle of whiskey, and in no time it is gone. The whiskey, not the cold.
* Since he has been visiting a psychiatrist, he now drinks on the couch.
* He’s the nicest chap on two feet…if he could only stay there.
* In taverns all over town he is regarded as one of their most unsteadiest customers.
* If it weren’t for pretzels, he’d be entirely on a liquid diet.
* He frequents so many bars that his suits aren’t dry cleaned. They are distilled.
* If there’s a nip in the air, he even tries to drink that.
* He would be an interesting specimen to an entomologist. A good specimen of a bar fly.
* On his last birthday, he lit all of the candles on his more...