Different Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why are the first three letters of diet DIE? No wonder this diet is killing me.
If your second doctor has a different opinion, does that make a paradox?
If you have two dimes, is that a new paradigm?
If you have two different viewpoints simultaneously is that a parasites?
If you hire two lawyers, does that mean that both lawyers could be replaced by one paralegal?
If you shoot two deer in one day is that called a parachute?
If you are lax about something, and then are lax about it again is that called a relax?
Do two normal people make one paranormal?
When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to strain twice?
If you are a complete pessimist, does this mean you are positively negative?
When a person rewrites a poem to make it better, does that mean he is reversing himself?
When Bach or Beethoven erased a manuscript to make changes, were they decomposing?
Are two dice a paradise?

Q - How is Princess Diana different from Tiger Woods?
A - Tiger Woods knows how to pick a driver.

As you know, in many areas of the country this week, voters approved referendums banning Same Sex marriages. Of course, our nation is one of many sub-cultures. Different areas have different values....

For instance, this past tuesday in San Francisco, voters aproved a referendum banning Opposite Sex Marriages.

Facts About Women
Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when
there's a spider or a wasp involved.
Women can't keep more...

We all came on different ships, but we are in the same boat now.

How to Answer

It is Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event. Opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says,

'DO I LOOK FAT?'

There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted' yes'.

'No' means yes.' Yes' means yes.' I don't know' means yes.' It doesn't matter' means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes.

Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but more...

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale
one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into
their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different,
Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything
different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time,
"Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Sam! yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING more...