Dinner Jokes / Recent Jokes

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair - try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, more...

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution."You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.""Why?" asked somebody from the audience."I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked."Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.Now I do it in ten..."

Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you
don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat
diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is
there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland
problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?
Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed,
as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a
cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering
great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet,
however, be sure more...

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was more...

A guest visited a family from afar. Though the host had many chickens and ducks milling around his courtyard, he told his guest that he didn't dare to ask him to stay for dinner due to his shortage of suitable food for dinner. The guest instantly asked the host to lend him a knife to kill his riding horse so they could eat it for dinner. The host asked," Then, how can you ride home?" The guest answered," Just lend me one of your fowls to ride."

My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill."Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory.
That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.
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One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have
dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how
shapely and lovely the housekeeper was. Down deep in his heart he
wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper. After
the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that
everything was purely professional... that she was the housekeeper and
cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said,
"Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been
able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took
it, do you?" The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it very much, but I'll write him
a
letter." So he sat down and more...