Dinner Jokes / Recent Jokes

Quentin said to his wife over dinner, "Drinking makes you beautiful."
Puzzled, the woman said, "I don't drink." "I know," said Quentin, "but I do."

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her." Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.
Upon arriving more...

1. You attempt to enter your password on the microwave.
2. It's been years since you've played solitaire with a real deck of cards.
3. You email your son in his room to tell him dinner is ready. He emails back and asks, "What's for dinner?"
4. You chat several times a day with a stranger in South Africa, yet you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor so far this year.
5. You refer to your dining room table as 'that flat filing cabinet'.
6. Your idea of being organized is multi-colored post-it notes.
7. You hear most of your jokes via email rather than in person.
8. The concept of using real money, rather than credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
9. You buy a computer and a week later it's outdated and sells for half the price you paid.
10. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
11. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
12. Your reasoning for not staying in touch more...

Every “Hormone Hostage” knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: “What’s for dinner? ”
SAFER: “Can I help you with dinner? ”
SAFEST: “Where would you like to go for dinner? ”

DANGEROUS: “Are you wearing THAT? ”
SAFER: “Gee, you look good in brown. ”
SAFEST: “Wow! Look at you! ”

DANGEROUS: “What are you so worked up about? ”
SAFER: “Could we be overreacting? ”
SAFEST: “Here’s fifty dollars. ”

DANGEROUS: “Should you be eating that? ”
SAFER: “You know, there are a lot of apples left. ”
SAFEST: “Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ”

DANGEROUS: “What did you DO all day? ”
SAFER: “I hope you didn’t overdo more...

Son Of A Bitch Fish A irish priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide holding a net, yelled "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" Son, I`m a irish priest. Your language is uncalled for! No, irish father, that`s what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish! Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch! Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster. irish father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I`ve ever seen. Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it? Why eat it of course. You`ve never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch! Elated, the irish priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear, and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "irish father!" It`s ok Sister. That`s what kind of fish it is. A Son of a more...

SHE
08.45Wake up to hugs & kisses
09.005 pounds lighter on the scales
09.30Light breakfast
11.00Sunbathe
12.00Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
01.30Shopping
02.30Run into boyfriend's ex, notice she's gained thirty pounds
03.00Facial, massage and nap
05.30Talk with mom on the phone for an hour
07.30Candlelit dinner for two and dancing
10.00Make love
11.00Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HE
10.00Wake up
10.02Oral Sex
10.45Big breakfast
11.30Drive in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde
02.15Enormous lunch
03.00Oral Sex
03.30Play sport with the guys
04.00Drink beer with the guys
06.00Meet Claudia Schiffer
06.10Oral Sex
08.00Huge dinner, more beer
11.00Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11.30Watch late game from the West Coast