Directly Jokes / Recent Jokes

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you more...

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20. 95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to... to... uhh...
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

Joe is teeing off from the Back Tees. On his downswing
he realizes that his wife Mary is teeing up on the Red Tees
directly in his way. Unable to stop his swing he nails it and
hits her directly in the temple and kills her instantly.
.
A few days later Joe gets a call from the coroner regarding
her autopsy.
.
Coroner: "Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt
force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and
hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
.
Joe: "Yes sir, that's correct"
.
Coroner: "Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged up her butt"
.
Joe: "Was it a Titleist Three?"
.
Coroner: "Yes, it was"
.
Joe: "That was my mulligan"

A Dictionary of common dating terminology
ATTRACTION
the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT
what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy on people they meet.
DATING
the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL
avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY
a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT
a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her more...

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog more...

I HAD A BAD DAY It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to more...

* A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.* Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.* The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.* The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.* A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge.* The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.