Discover Jokes / Recent Jokes
Christmas Is:
1. A wobbly tree stand.
2. A week of inspiration and morality on TV screens that are
filled with crime and violence the other 51.
3. Having to tear open that gift you wrapped so beautifully
because you just remembered the price tag was still on it.
4. Trying to explain to a bright four-year-old how it's possible
to pass 6 Santa Clauses in one block.
5. When you get a dozen calendars in the mail... and on January
1st, you can't find a single one.
6. When you discover some idiot put a trunk on tree decorations
you stored so carefully last year.
7. Trying to wrap a bicycle so nobody can tell what it is.
8. When you can't walk into the Living Room for all the toys,
and your kids say, "Is that ALL?"
9. Frantic last-minute shopping when a gift arrives from a
relative you forgot.
10. When, while you're looking for a salesman, somebody buys the great tree you picked out.
11. When more...
16 Ways of Knowing You’re in the Desert
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7: 30 a. m. before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, more...
A few months ago, I upgraded from DrinkingMates 4. 2 to Girlfriend 1. 0…
… which I had been told for years wouldn’t give me any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try to run Girlfriend 1. 0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1. 0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3. 1, Football 4. 5, and Playboy 6. 9. Successive versions of Girlfriend 1. 0 (i. e. 1. 001 thru 1. 999) proved no better!
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2. 1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1. 2 and Girlfriend 1. 0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1. 0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded more...
Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.
Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the
government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way
it is.
Oxford University allocated a budget of $500, 000 for research.
After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the
penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in
situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and
increase the probability of successful fertilization.
Cambridge University spent $750, 000 on a research program that
lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near
the tip because it maximized the number of nerve endings
stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity
and a better chance of impregnation.
Finally, the Open University spent $2. 50 on a copy of Playboy and
10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis
widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping more...
16 Ways of Knowing You're in the Desert
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's July, it's noon, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get more...