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A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
16 Ways of Knowing You're in the Desert You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. You can say 110 degrees without fainting. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. You can make instant sun tea. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets. You actually burn your hand opening the car door. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7: 30 a. m. before work. No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to more...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.The trees are whistling for the dogs.The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.Hot water now comes out of both taps.You can make sun tea instantly.You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron! The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.You actually burn your hand opening the car door.You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.The cows are giving evaporated milk.
A few years ago Charlie brown and the peanuts gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, "why me, Charlie Brown?"
Recently MetLife put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the gang dealing contemporary problems.
Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues how about Peanuts specials for kids of the 90:
We learn about VD in:
"IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"
Chuck & the little red-headed girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in:
"ITS BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!"
Is Linus gay?
"ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"
See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in:
"NO MEANS NO CHARLIE BROWN!"
Discover a father's forbidden love in:
"ITS OUR LITTLE SECRET CHARLIE BROWN"
Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:
"IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"
What goes on the more...
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Change $ 20. 00
Coffee 1. 00
Total $ 21. 00
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50. 00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it
back to be recycled, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and more...
Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've more...
. ..the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
...farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
...the cows are giving evaporated milk.
...you can say 113 degrees without fainting.
...you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
...you can make instant sun tea.
...you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
...the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
...you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
...you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
...you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
...hot water now comes out of both taps.
...it's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
...you break a sweat the instant you step more...