Divorce Jokes / Recent Jokes

A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?"
She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."
He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."

The cricket enthusiast would travel any distance to watch a match-nothing could keep him from the game he loved. One day, a friend met him and said,' You're looking a bit down.'

'The wife said she's s going to divorce me.'

'What grounds?'

'Oh, Headingly, Edgbaston, Lord s. . .

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28". Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250"
The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive.The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."

Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached...Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.My ex-wife is like a good laxative...she irritates the shit out of you.Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin WilliamsLove is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose PierceWhen does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled - "Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits...I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, more...

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that'll fly," said the lawyer. "I mean, your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't *own* her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"

A Sardar & His Wife Filed An Application For Divorce.

Judge Asked: How’ll U divide Your Kids, U”Ve 3 Children?

Sardar Replied: Ok! We’ll Apply Next Year