Doc Jokes

A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said,You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the crate!"

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but more...

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, more...

Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him. "Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven."

The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good--you can go in too."

The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.

"Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter.
So the doc told him exactly what that involved.
"Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too."

So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1, 000 bones in the human body?
Patient: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't
find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober".

Nurse: "Doctor, don't cut so deep.
That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant,
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.
Psychiatrist: more...