Dock Jokes

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He more...

He loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn’t crazy about the ferry. Miss a ferry late at night, and you have to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan. So when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn’t subject himself to an hour’s wait.
He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck. He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, “Well, I made that one, didn’t I? ’”Sure did, ” the bystander said. “But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock. ”

A big Scot is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He points out the window. "See that dock in the lake? I built that dock with me own hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? No!!" and downs his pint.

He next pointed out the chair and table in the corner, the fence outside, all sorts of similar projects, and says "I built that with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do call me MacGregor the handyman? No!!"

He stares into his beer, whispers, "And you fuck one sheep."

This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big' ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked' em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. more...