Doors Jokes / Recent Jokes
Prison life versus a full-time jobIn prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. Work jokes you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. Work jokes you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. Work jokes you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. Work jokes you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. Work jokes you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. Work jokes you are just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own toilet. Work jokes you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. Work jokes you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. Work more...
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.
Submitted by Darcy
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the more...
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about more...
1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a more...
A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After
many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else
imaginable, and hearing both her children asking for everything
they saw on those many shelves, this woman finally made it out of
the store and to the elevator with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season
time of the year: Overwhelming pressure to go to every party,
every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get
that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list,
make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure
of making sure we respond to everyone who sends us a card. Not to
mention, getting the kids everything they ask for.
Finally the elevator doors opened--there was already a crowd in
the car. This woman pushed her way into the car and dragged her
two kids in with her, along with all her bags of more...
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. more...