Doors Jokes / Recent Jokes

For cat people everwhere - Enjoy :-)
Rules for cats who have a house to run
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.
IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay more...

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.In prison you get three meals a day.At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.In prison you get time off for good behavior.At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.In prison you can watch TV and play games.At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.At work you are just ball-and-chained.In prison you get your own room.At work you have to share.In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from more...

Q: What do you call the outside of a hand green-egg?
A: The bombshell!

Q: What does an alarm cluck say?
A: "Tick-tock-a-doodle-do!"

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side!

Q: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
A: "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!"

Q: How long do chickens work?
A: Around the cluck!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road half way?
A: He wanted to lay it on the line!

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK... You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day. AT WORK... You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK... You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK... You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK... You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven, ” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you. ”

“No problem, just let me in, ” said the woman.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in. ”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Heaven”, replied the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of more...

In 1976, the Pentagon returned 50 security doors because of a design flaw.
The doors, which cost $1,500.00 each, had titanium locks and handles, and a 0.0001" clearance at all edges. The problem was discovered when an angry secretary threw her coffee cup at one of the doors. It went right through the
1/16 inch wood veneer. It was also discovered that if you pulled on the handle, it would come off in your hand.
In 1948, Mayor Jose Hussong, of Baja California, Mexico had a section of highway named after him by the people of his city. On the day it was to be dedicated, a group of officials waited for him to arrive. After they had waited for 2 hours, one of the officials went to the mayor's estate. He was informed that the mayor had been dead for 2 years. The official returned to the dedication and announced that the Mayor was unable to attend due to
health problems.

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK... You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.IN PRISON...You get three meals a day. AT WORK... You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... You get fired for watching TV and playing games.IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK... You have to share.IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK... You cannot even speak to your family and friends.IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK... You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.IN PRISON...You spend most more...