Dressed Jokes / Recent Jokes

The CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one day he decided to do the job himself.
He pulled up to an old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked on the door. A little old barefoot man wearing overalls answered the knock on the door, only to be confronted by the very well dressed and dignified CEO in a $2,000 navy blue pin-striped business suit, a Hermes silk tie, a starched white shirt with monogrammed cufflinks, $700 shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the well-dressed and impeccably groomed CEO. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the CEO wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide more...

Diary of a New Snow ShovelerDecenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll more...

1.You feel better about the relationship when you're not in her presence.
2.You wonder what all the fuss is about sex, anyways.
3.You're really bugged by the way she breathes.
4.As soon as she says she's going to bed, you suddenly feel wide awake.
5.She's taking you to see your favorite team, but you dont feel like getting dressed.
6.You escape to a romantic little island together and find yourself wishing there was more to do.
7.When she's flirting with another man at a party, you hope they hit it off.
8.When you make love, she thanks you.
9.Kissing starts to feel like a real waste of time.
10.You feel a pang if she turns off the TV before sex.
11.After a fight, the make-up sex is great--except you haven't really made up.
12.She refuses to consider couples therapy on the grounds that she doesn't have any problems.
13.You get dressed in the bathroom. With the door closed.
14.When you pick up the Sunday paper, instead of more...

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day... when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.

She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written,' Don't despair, Sister Eulalia,' and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.

The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.

She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of more...

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of
sand, etc.)
Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the
door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or
Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in
big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say,
"It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut
the door.
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters
come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell,
"Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure
out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural
"whirring" sound.
After you give more...

How to Tell if You're a GrinchThis is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell more...

Fun things to do in a Waiting Room-
1.) Stand in a doorway and press your arms against the frame.
2.) Take a pencil or pen and make little airplane noises and if anyone notices, stare at them and say, "We've been spotted!" and run around in circles.
3.) Try to get behind the receptionist's counter and when some one comes, pop up, and yell "surprise!" at anyone under 50. (heart attack risk)
4.) Make paper airplanes out of magazine pages. Fly them around the room.
5.) Stare at someone in the room and yell, "It's an agent!" and run out.
6.) Come in dressed as a bum and ask if they have any fried beans.
7.) Repeat the following conversation ten times to the same random person in the room:
You: "Do you hear that?"
Person: "What?"
You: "Never mind, it's gone now."
8.) Come in dressed in army fatigues.
9.) Leave your zipper open and if anyone asks say: "Sorry, I really prefer it more...