Dressed Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:
You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you more...

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"... Bad girls say, "what’s for breakfast?"
Good girls never go after another girl’s man... Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties... Bad girls don’t wear any.
Good girls wax their floors... Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot... Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls make chicken for dinner... Bad girls make reservations
Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies... Bad girls
know they could do better
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss... Bad girls never do either, unless he’s very, very rich.
Good girls believe they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls... Bad girls believe that they are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.
Good girls love Italian food... Bad girls love Italian waiters.
Good girls prefer the more...

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.

Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.
Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.
Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.
Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.
Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.
Question: What more...

What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party? No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found more...

A ghost joke
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender said “Sorry sir, we don’t serve spirits here”!

A cannibal joke
Why did the cannibal live on his own?
He was fed up with other people!

A witch joke
What’s the witches favourite pop group?
Broomski Beat!

A Halloween joke
What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party?
No one moved, they couldn’t stir without her!

A witch joke
What is evil and ugly on the inside and green on the outside?
A witch dressed as a cucumber!

A vampire joke
Why does Dracula have no friends?
Because he’s a pain in the neck!

A witch joke
How can you tell when a witch is really ugly?
When a wasp stings her it closes his eyes!

He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank - all of which he'd lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him. Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all. Suddenly a voice called, "Young man, don't do that! There is no need to end your life! I'm a witch and I can help you!" "I doubt it," he said sadly, "I've stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which I'll probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me." "Young man, witches can do anything," she said. "I'm going to perform a witch miracle. "She said, "ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and there's another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!"He looked at her in disbelief, more...