Dressed Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we`ve never once had an executive make it this far and we`re not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I`d like to, but I have higher orders. What we`re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I`ve made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself more...

LOVE: A word involving four letters, two vowels, two consonants and two idiots. It refers to a disease that can be cured by marriage.
ARCHITECT: A guy not "macho" enough to be an engineer and not queer enough to be an interior designer.
TO DANCE: It refers to the vertical frustration of a horizontal desire.
BRAIN: An organ that allows us to think we think.
BOY SCOUT: A child dressed like an idiot guided by an idiot dressed like a child.
HEADACHE: A woman's most trustworthy modern contraceptive.
BUST: Statue of a man without hands or the parts of a woman where a man's hands have been.
ORAL EXAM: A test you must pass to become an intern in the White house.
A POLITICAL CANDIDATE: A person who gets money form the rich and votes from the poor in order to protect them from each other.
TONGUE: A sexual organ that some degenerates use in order to speak.
PRIEST: A person everyone calls "Father" except for his own children, who call more...

A 45 year old man dressed as an elf and waiting in line to take hispicture with Santa Claus was arrested after telling Santa that he wascarrying dynamite. Mall security was stunned. “We usually have noproblems whatsoever with 45 year old men dressed as elves who want tohave their pictures taken with Santa.”

Three Muslims died and went to Heaven. When they approached the gate, St. Peter said "Sorry, only Christians are allowed in Heaven." The Muslims said "But we are good Christians!"St. Peter replied "Okay, if you're good Christians then tell me what is Easter?" The first Muslim went up to St. Peter and said "I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man dressed up in a white bunny suit and hopped around delivering eggs to children!"St. Peter shook his head, and said "Next!"The second Muslim guy then came up and said "I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man dressed up in a red and white suit and flied around delivering presents to good children!"St. Peter sighed, and said "Next!"So the last Muslim guy comes up to old St. Peter and says "Oh, I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man died on the cross for the people, and they buried him in a cave. After three days more...

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the Black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says,' I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds Her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the Suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician,' Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To Her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says. No, more...

You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)
You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)
You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)
You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction).
You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later more...

A highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. She arrived in heaven where she was met by God.

"Welcome to heaven," said God. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. Strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem God, just let me in." said the woman.

God replied, "What we're going to do is let you spend a day in hell and a day in heaven and then you can choose where you want to spend an eternity."

God put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran more...