Drill Jokes / Recent Jokes

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a group
of new troops on making a proper jump. He told them:
"When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up. When I yell hook up,
you hook up. When you go out the door, yell' Geronimo!' and
wait for your shoot to open. Got It? Good, get in the plane."
After a short flight he yelled "Stand UP! Hook UP!" and began
shoving the troops out the door. Just after the last trooper
exited, the sergeant shut the door. Suddenly, he heard someone
knocking on the door. He opened it to see a private flapping
his arms trying to imitate a seagull. The private looked him
in the eye and asked What did you say that SOB's name was?

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

This Marine drill instructor, completely frazzled by the ineptitude of his recruits, burst into a blue streak of swearing hot enough to blister paint. He broke off suddenly when he noticed one of the recruits had been talking in ranks. "WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??" the drill sergeant hollered. In a quivering voice, the recruit replied, "I said, to myself, Drill Sergeant Sir,' if that sucker thinks I'm going to stand here and take his crap. . . well, he's certainly an uncanny judge of character.

Automobile Tool Definitions
Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Mechanic's Knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
Electric Hand Drill:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
Hacksaw:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Vise-Grips:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can more...

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.
No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he more...

Some idiot gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning.

Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The head idiot gangster says' Okay, well, at least we can eat it.' So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding.

They decide to devour it too. Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said' Well, at least they left something for us to eat.'

The next day, while listening to the more...