Drinks Jokes / Recent Jokes
A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.
The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass".
The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say's nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.
A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.
The barman gets the drinks and says, "it's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think it's very fair for him to call you that".
The woman turns to him and smiles and says...
"Oh, dont worry, it's ok - heaw, heaw, he always calls me that"!
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36. 50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
There was this man who was down on his luck and felt he needed a few drinks. He went to this bar and drank several drinks, when he was done he stood up and walked toward the door. The bartender shouted at the man, "Hey mister, are you going to pay for those drinks?"
The man looked back at the bartender and replied "I already paid you," then walked out the bar. Almost immediately he saw one of his friends and told him about the bartender, "Just go in there and drink all you want then get up and leave, When the bartender asks you to pay the tab, just tell him you already did." This sounded easy enough so he went in and had several drinks, The bartender went to him and said, "Before you came in, another man was here before you, when I asked him to pay his tab he told me he already did, but I don't remember him paying me."
The man replied, "I would love to stay and here your story but I don't have time, can I have my change please?"
Bill Gates dies and fronts up to the pearly gates.
St Peter: "Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision."
Bill has a look around heaven. Lots's of sombre people singing hymns, praising the Lord (and probably writing Ada: -). He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women (and a lot of C and Basic: -). Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.
Gates: "Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell."
St Peter: "No worries. You've got it."
Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't work it out.
Gates: "Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and more...
Banta was not home at his usual hour, and his wife, Preeto, was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3: 00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was Banta, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.
He answered, "Don`t get excited. I`m late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Banta`s answer was, "A round of drinks!"
THE MASTERCARD COMMERCIAL ALL MEN ARE WAITING FORCover charge: $15. 00 Round of drinks: $23. 00 Table dance: $30. 00 Another round of drinks: $23. 00 Couch dance and tips: $50. 00 A round of shots: $34. 00 A Bottle of Dom and a Limo home: 125. 00 Private dance in your hotel room: $300. 00 Sending her on her way and never having to hear her complain: PricelessFor everthing else.... There's MasterCard
He’s not one to do things in halves…He does them in fifths.
* When he returns from lunch, he is so loaded they make him take the freight elevator.
* He’s been frequenting a new night club. It has the nicest tables he’s ever been under.
* When he gets a cold, he buys a bottle of whiskey, and in no time it is gone. The whiskey, not the cold.
* Since he has been visiting a psychiatrist, he now drinks on the couch.
* He’s the nicest chap on two feet…if he could only stay there.
* In taverns all over town he is regarded as one of their most unsteadiest customers.
* If it weren’t for pretzels, he’d be entirely on a liquid diet.
* He frequents so many bars that his suits aren’t dry cleaned. They are distilled.
* If there’s a nip in the air, he even tries to drink that.
* He would be an interesting specimen to an entomologist. A good specimen of a bar fly.
* On his last birthday, he lit all of the candles on his more...