Drinks Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer. The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy. The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly. Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?" "I haven't got any money!"

A high court judge is at a bar in a high class hotel where he is a regular visitor. He drinks into the small hours of the morning. On leaving the bar he vomits down the front of his suit then staggers to his parked car, which he manages to start and drives home in a most dangerous fashion. When he arrives at his mansion in a suburb, he falls out of the car, and staggers to the door which his wife opened. On seeing his state she enquired as to what had happened. “I had a few civil drinks in the Shelburne hotel, and when I came out a drunk got sick all over me. But the police caught him and he’s up in front of me in the morning. I’ll give the swine 6 months in jail” he replied. His wife then sent him to the shower and then bed, while she made him some food and a hot drink. having put his soiled cloths in the wash she returned to the bedroom with his food. “How long did you say you would give the drunk in jail” she asked. “6 months ” he replied. “Well you better make it more...

A man walks into a bar and orders a round of drinks for the house, a shot for himself and a shot for the bartender. After everyone takes their drink the bartender turns to the man and says “That’ll be $89. ” The man looks at the bartender and says “Sorry I don’t have any money. ” The bartender then proceeds to kick the shit out of the man and throw him out. The next day same man comes walking into the bar. He then proceeds to order a round of drinks for the house, a shot for himself and a shot for the bartender. After everyone finishes their drink the bartender says “That’ll be $96. ” Man says, “Sorry but I don’t have any money. ” The bartender again proceeds to kick his ass and throw him out. The next day AGAIN the same man comes walking into the bar. The bartender thinks to himself, “He can’t be THAT stupid he has to have brought money! ” The guy sits down and orders a round of drinks for the house and a shot for himself. The bartender then asks “What more...

Ram Lal walked into a bar and ordered a large brandy for himself and drinks for everyone in the bar.' And have one for yourself,' he said grandly to the owner of the bar.
Half-an-hour later the order was repeated: a large brandy for himself and drinks for everyone in the bar and one for the owner of the bar!
Ram Lai carried on like this all evening, every half hour, ordering drinks all round - and one for the owner of the bar, who eventually became concerned about the size of the bill. So when Ram Lal gave his ninth gigantic order, the owner said,' I hope you don't mind my mentioning it, sir, but your bill now amounts to Rs. 1, 687 and 50 paisa.
'Does it?' said Ram Lal.' Well, I'm sorry about that, because I haven't got a paisa on me!'
The owner leapt over the counter in fury and grabbed Ram Lal by the throat; he slapped him on the face, kicked him on the shins, and finally hurled him out through the door where he landed in a gutter.
The following evening, the more...

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds. Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?" "Yup, shore am!" "How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "Ten pounds." The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds." The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says, "I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have a pint as well", says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says "I suppose you want a drink too."

The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change. A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.

The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a more...

A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of whiskey. He drinks the first shot and pours the second over his left hand. Then, he orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again pours the second over his left hand. He repeats this a third time.
Seeing all of this and becoming very curious, the bartender says, "Hey fella, I hope you don't mind me asking, but why are you wasting good drinks?"
"I'm getting my date drunk!" the guy replies.