Drive Jokes / Recent Jokes
...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you....someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes....a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some....you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around....you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out....a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you more...
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?""It's over here in the pussy willows."The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!"
ORIGAMIArt of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can't even get it out of the drive? SMOKEUse cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well. PIRANHASIf you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of "caring" for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk. MAGNETSThey are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display more...
The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.
The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.
The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.
The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.
The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.
The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.
The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.
The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.
The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be more...
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas station when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer on a gun if you are going to kill a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
If you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're driving a vehicle at the speed of light, what will happen when you turn on the headlights?
You know most packages say "open here". What more...
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu and then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11: 30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said' 'May I take your more...