Drivers Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers liscence?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!

Taliban militants threatened suicide attacks on Pakistani bus drivers who play American music on their buses saying that such entertainment was spreading "vulgarity and obscenity," Clay Aiken CDs have fallen off sharply.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.[Another quarter inch doesn't impress most women.]A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.[That same year men began asking, "Put that on my WHAT?" ]The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.[Stand clear or you'll get pucked.]America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.[3 very lonely men.]98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth.[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]In 1681, the last dodo bird died.[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]A more...

In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.

As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

They angrily look one at the other.

Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.

The other one politely asks, "When you've finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?"

When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers.Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off.Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap.Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.You always have the right of way.Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and more...

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old Indian ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?""Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.""Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly.The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle more...

A little girl and her mother were shopping.

The girl asks her mother "How old are you?"

Mommy says, "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."

The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?"

Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you grown up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."

So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into more...