Driving Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English". On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband. The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said. With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim. A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently. Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated. He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated. Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, more...

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually. Liz: But I'm the examiner!

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this assh*le, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.
Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you %$&#@ idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "assh*le" at me again. Twice? *&%$# that. I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an more...

An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the same lecture night after night. He confided this state of mind to his chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination. The chauffeur expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.

"I've got it!" said the astronomer. "You are bored with driving and I'm weary of lecturing. Let's exchange places for one night. It will be a refreshing change for both of us. My lecture is all written out word for word and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway."

The driver agreed and the exchange of roles and dress was made. That night, the lecture hall filled to capacity. At the appointed time those in attendance heard a flawlessly delivered lecture. At its conclusion the lecturer basked in the euphoric applause. Then came the question and answer period.

"Who discovered Uranus?" came from a boy in the front.

"Uh, William more...

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.
Liz: I'm the examiner!

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

There was a blonde driving down the road one day on her way to visit some family. She was driving down a country road that came along side a giant wheat field. When she looked over at the wheat field she was shocked to see that there was another blonde out in the wheat field in a row boat. And this woman with oars in hand was vigorously rowing! The blonde woman driving saw this and was pissed! So she stopped her car along side of this wheat field and rolled down her window and yelled out to the blonde in the boat. "You know it's blondes like you who give blondes like me a bad name!" "And if I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your ass!".