Driving Jokes / Recent Jokes

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.
She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like more...

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.Liz: I'm the examiner!

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!" Blonde
Blonde in a car "There was a blonde driving in a car and suddenly a tree popped up in front of her, so she swerved then another tree popped up infront of her right in the middle of the road so she swerved again and she kept swerving and dodging the trees untill she stopped.
When a cop came and asked her what happened she told him all about the trees and he looked at her and laughed and he said that it was the little tree decoration hanging from the review mirror

The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction
crew working on the road one morning.Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new,
bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."

'Are you ready to leave?' - Definition of the word 'yes'
Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly, 'Honey, do I look fat?')
Elementary Map Reading
Crying and law enforcement
Advanced Math Seminar - Program your VCR
You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast
The Seven-Outfit Week
PMS - It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty - Deal With It)
Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving - It's As Simple As Oil and Water
The Super Bowl: Not a Game - A Sacrament
Telephone Translations (was: 'Me Too' equals 'I Love You')
How to Earn Your Own Money
Gift-giving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
Know When to Say When: The more...

This was told to me about three years ago by a friend who claims he works with
the father of the "hero" of the story:
During Christmas break from college, the kid wanted to borrow his father's car
to drive to a New Year's Eve party at his fraternity house. He lived in
Massachusetts and the fraternity house was in Vermont. The father needed the
car New Year's Day, and was concerned about the son hitting one of the
roadblocks that police set up all over the place on New Year's Eve. The
agreement that was reached was that the son would be allowed to use the car,
but he would not drink at all. That was, of course, a big mistake on the part
of the father, especially since the kid wasn't 21.
So he drove to Vermont, got completely trashed, and attempted to drive home.
Just before he reached Massachusetts he hit a roadblock. There were a few
other cars stopped already, so he was told to get out of the car and stand in
a line of more...

Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"
Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."
Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"
After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
Fill your car with beer bottles.
The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial more...