Duck Jokes / Recent Jokes
A very rich old man is on his deathbed and is going to die soon, so he calls in his three sons. He gives them each a duck and tells them that the one who gets the most for his duck will be given everything the old man owns. The first son goes out, and when he comes back he says, "Father! Father! I got $10 for my duck!"
His father says, "That is very good let's see how your other brothers do."
About a day later the second brother comes home and he says, "Father! Father! I got $15 for my duck."
The old man replies, "So far you have done the best, but let's wait and see what your little brother does."
While the last brother was looking for someone to buy his duck, he happened to pass by a bar. When he got into the bar he saw the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen before, so he told her, "I'll give you this duck for a fuck."
She replied, "Ok."
When the boy got home more...
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you more...
Duck waddles into a bar, hops up on a barstool, asks the bartender (in his best Daffy Duck accent), "Got any duck food?"
"We don't serve duck food in this bar, buddy!" replies the bartender.
"Thorry," the Duck shrugs as he hops down and waddles out.
A few minutes later another duck waddles in, hops on a stool and asks, "Got any duck food?"
Angered, the bartender gets in the little duck's face and barks, "Look bub, we don't serve duck food here, understand?"
"Thhhertainly," says the duck, quickly hopping down and waddling out the door.
Sure enough, within a few more minutes, another duck enters the bar, waddles across the floor and hops up on the stool. The bartender, enraged walks over with a hammer in his hand and confronts the fowl offender. "Look buster! I don't have any duck food, so don't ask, and if you do I'm gonna' hammer your silly beak to that wall over there. Now what'll it more...
A duck walked into a store one day and asked the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk said, "No." So the duck walked out and came back the next day and said, "You got any grapes?" and the clerk said, "No." So the duck walked out and came in next time and said, "You got any grapes?" and the clerk said, "No, and if you come in again and ask if we have any grapes, I'll staple your feet to the floor." So the duck walked out and came in again and said, "You got any staples?" the clerk said, "No..." so the duck said, "You got any grapes?
A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. “Hey kid! ” the farmer says, “where ya goin’ with that wire? ” “Well, ” the kid drawls, “this here ain’t just any ol’ wire, this here’s chicken wire. I’m fixin’ to catch me some chickens! ”“You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire! ” says the farmer. “Sure I can! ” the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he’s got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire. Well, the farmer’s sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. “Hey kid! ” the farmer yells, “where ya goin’ with that tape? ” “Well, this here ain’t just any ol’ tape, ” says the kid, “this here’s duck tape. I’m fixin’ to catch me some ducks! ” “You can’t catch ducks with duck tape! ” more...
Q: Did you hear about the Polish guy that locked his keys in his car? A: Took him an hour using a coat hanger to get his family out. Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses? A: From chasing parked cars. Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter said she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's yours?" Q: You go to a cockfight. How can you identify the Polish guy? A: He's the one with a duck. Q: How do you know if an Italian is there? A: He bet on the duck. Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there? A: The duck wins. In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours! A 12-year-old boy walks up to his Polish neighbor and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw you and your wife naked! Nyah, nyah, nyah." The guy answers, "The joke's on you, Johnny... Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!"... and finally: Q: How do you keep a Polak in suspense?