Duck Jokes / Recent Jokes
There were three girls who died in a car crash and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, they are told not to step on a duck or they will be punished for eternity. They look on thinking it won't be too hard, but much to their dismay, there are ducks EVERYWHERE! They step into heaven, and the first girl immediatly steps on a duck. She gets hand-cuffed to the ugliest man she had ever seen for eternity. The other two go a week happily in heaven, but then, the next girl steps on a duck. She is hand-cuffed to the second ugliest man they have ever seen, the first being the man that the first girl to step on a duck had been chained too. Well, another week goes by and the last girl has not stepped on a duck yet. As a reward, she is hand-cuffed to the most handsome man she had ever seen for eternity. She says aloud, "What did I do to deserve this?" The man in reply turns to her and says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other's dog was just sitting there, who no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master downed.
The first hunter asked, "What's wrong with your dog? The last time I saw him he was one of the best bird dogs I'd ever seen!"
"Well," the other hunter replied. "His name's Lawyer. He used to run all over creation working hard and getting the job done. The one day, someone made the mistake of calling him Judge. Now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"
"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and more...
Three men die and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter is standing at the gates of Heaven. He says, "Now you may enter Heaven. But you must promise not to step on any ducks." So they all promised not to step on any ducks. The gates of Heaven opened. To their horror the grounds are covered with ducks. After 5 minutes the first man stepped on a duck. Instantly St. Peter appeared and tied an ugly women to him and said, " For your punishment you are now bound together for all eternity. After 10 minutes the second man stepped on a duck, again, instantly St. Peter appeared with an even uglier women and again, ties them both together and condemns them for all eternity. The third man was terrified. He Took special precautions not to step on any ducks. If there is one thing he hates it's an ugly woman. On the one year Aniversary of his arrival St. Peter comes to him and leads him to a beach at sunset where he meets the most beautiful woman in the world. He says to St. more...
There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college. Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, "IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!?" It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed. Well the other son being the "bad" kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hittin on him. He said he'd love to fuck her but he doesnt have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So more...
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending."
He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said,
"Looks like you've had a pretty good day.
Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and
handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of
the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum,
pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Was
hington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the
warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a
second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum,
pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an
Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting
license.
The warden took a third duck, conducted the more...
Donald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms.
"Certainly, sir" said the lady behind the counter, "shall I put them on your bill?"
"NO WAY!" replied Donald Duck, "What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!"