Dude Jokes / Recent Jokes
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.
As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor attempted to start a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch', but 'herd'."
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course, I've heard of cows... there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
The following Transcript was performed in June of 2006 at the Broadway Comedy Club in New York City.I hope I don't seem too off tonight - I caught Paris Hilton's new single the other day; now my ears itch, and it burns when I hear.
Y'like what I did there, right? Yeah...it's funny cuz she's a whore.
I saw in the paper yesterday that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan got into it at some Hollywood party recently, and the papers were calling it a "catfight," which to me is typical tabloid exaggeration.
We all know the rule of thumb: it ain't a catfight, unless we see some titty. It's gotta be confirmed by at least two witnesses...
So I say let'em go at it til shit gets to rippin'. It's not like there's high expectations floating around for these two. It's not like there's a lot of people who think'Paris Hilton' and'Lindsay Lohan' and immediately think, 'class.'
I've known chicks from Jersey with more self-esteem. Seriously, as I speak there is a fifty year old more...
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The idiot says,' That was a karate chop from Korea.'
The little guy thinks' GEEZ,' but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,' That was a judo chop from Japan.' So the little guy has had enough of this.
He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK* bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says,' When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears.'
"Dude, she just called you posh!" "OH, I BEG TO DIFFER! Jeffrey, hold my top hat whilst I beat that peasant with my rifle."
"Dude, she just called you a hobo!" "OH, HELL NO! Hold my... well, this is awkward."
There was a Chinese dude, a Mexican dude, and a Blonde dude. The Chinese dude says, "What?!! Sushi again? If I have to eat sushi for lunch again, I'm gonna jump off a building!" Then the Mexican dude says, "What?!! Tacos again? If I have to eat tacos for lunch again, I'm gonna jump off a building too!" And then finally, the Blonde dude says, "What?!! A sandwich again? If I have to eat a sandwich for lunch again, I'm gonna jump off a building also!" At the funeral, the wife of the Chinese dude said, "If I knew you didn't like sushi, I wouldn't have made it for you anymore!" Then the wives of the Mexican dude said, "If we knew you didn't like tacos, we wouldn't have made it for you anymore!" And everyone in tears looks at the Blonde dude's wife. All she had to say was, "What?!! HE MADE HIS OWN LUNCH!!!"