Due Jokes / Recent Jokes
These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked forhis departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York. Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quiteagitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement. The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really dont see how I could be causing a noise problem forpedestrians when I am more...
BARRA Babus fancy their command over English; Chhota Babus are perplexed and often misunderstand questions put to them. An IG of Police made a noting on a file put up to him stating, "The sub-inspector should not have pulled the chestnuts out of the fire.' In due course the file percolated down to the hapless sub-inspector who did not know what the expression meant. So he consulted his colleagues who were no better informed than the was. After joint deliberation, the sub-inspector penned his reply which ran as follows:
'I have gone through very carefully and with due respect the worthy comments of the honourable Inspector General of Police. I have checked all the registers in the station. I have also made thorough local enquiries. There was no fire anywhere within the jurisdiction of this police station on the 20th of May, 1962. As there was no fire, it is humbly submitted that there can be no question of pulling any chestnuts out of the fire.'
Chico once went to the doctor due to stomach trouble. The doctor prescribed plenty of milk and gave Chico a bottle of pills. "I`ll stop by this evening and see how you`re doing," the doctor said. "In the meantime, drink at least four glasses of milk. Milk is the ticket for curing your trouble. So drink plenty of it." That evening, the doctor returned, examined Chico and told him, "You`re much better this evening. Just be sure you don`t drink any milk. Not one glass. It`s not for you." "But, doctor," Chico exclaimed, "only this morning you told me that milk was what I needed and that I should drink four glasses of it." "Well, what do you know?" the doctor replied. "It certainly goes to show that we`ve made tremendous progress in medicine since the last time I saw you."
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man`s broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years more...
These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing. no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. everyone welcome
Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. any person passing this point will be drowned. by order of the district council.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order
Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness
A stallion and a mare where due to get married, but the stallion didnt show up at the church. He got colt feet
A KHADDAR-clad Central Minister visited the Maruti car factory. The manager went out of the way to show him around & at the end of the tour, offered the Minister a free car.' Oh, no,' said the Minister,' I cannot accept it.'' In that case I'll sell it to you for Rupees five hundred.' The Minister handed the Manager two five-hundred rupee notes:' In that case, I'll have two.'
Still in service
Ram Lal died while still in service. The department head was good enough to give his widow employment, the gratuity due to her late husband & clear his insurance claims. She was able to buy & equip a new flat with a colour TV, fridge & furniture. Her son asked how she had been able to manage all this luxury.' All due to the kindness of your father,' she replied.
'If he had not died we would not have had any of this.'