Due Jokes / Recent Jokes
Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so wellduring the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they givehim an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principalagrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about theoral test. First the teacher asks, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that Ionly have two of?" Johnny replies, "Legs." So the teacher asks, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that Idon't have in my pants?" "Pockets," Johnny replies. Finally the teacher asks, "And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?" "Rome," is his answer. With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks,"Well, shall we pass him?" "Better not ask me," the principal says, "I got the first two wrong!"
As the year 2000 rolls at us like the big ball after Indiana Jones, Allan Appel has compiled "A Portable Apocalypse: A Quotable Companion to the End of the World" (Riverhead Books, $12). Some highlights:
The world ended Sunday night -- at least on CBS. Some people were mad when they found out it wasn't true.
Tony Williams of WUSA after the airing of a TV movie filmed as a breaking news broadcast covering the crash of asteroids into Earth.
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Due to cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
-- sign hanging in office at Mt. Sinai Hospital, New York, 1995
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There are signs that the world is speedily coming to an end: Bribery and corruption are common. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.
-- from Assyrian tablet, 2800 B.C.E.
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Somehow the world never more...
A mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours.
Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't worry - we're safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine."
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "But don't worry - we're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours."
Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry - even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt."
The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last engine breaks down, too, more...
Case Report: Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome
Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no. 1, December 1998
Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M. D.
On January 2, 1998, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints of generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general malaise. The patient's face was erythematic, and he was in mild respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He attributed these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO! HO! HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed this work for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and ascertaining more...