Early Jokes / Recent Jokes
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.
1. The sheets are clean. ............................ 54 times
2. It is too late. .................................. 17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day. ................. 49 times
4. It is too early. ................................. 20 times
5. It is too hot. ................................... 15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep. ......................... 15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us......................... 3 times
8. Headache. ........................................ 22 times
9. Sunburn. .......................................... 7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us. ......................... 9 times
11. Not in the mood. ................................. 43 times
12. You will wake the baby. .......................... 17 times
13. Watching the late show. more...
Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
Rule OneIf you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.Rule TwoYou do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.Rule ThreeI am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your more...
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into more...
Rule OneIf you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule TwoYou do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule ThreeI am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your more...
The following are actual postings on Church Bulletin Boards in Churches from all over the USA.
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies more...
There were these three guys, a Mexican guy, an Italian guy and a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early, too.
The boss left and so did they. The Jewish guy went home, read the newspaper and took a nap. The Italian guy went home and cooked dinner. The Mexican guy went home and walked to his bedroom. He opened the door slowly and saw his wife in bed with his boss, so he shut the door and left.
The next day the Italian and Jewish guys were talking and planned to go home early again. They asked the Mexican guy if he wanted to leave early, too, and he said, "No."
They asked him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"