Early Jokes / Recent Jokes

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.
Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.
Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.

A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners:
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologists when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.
The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few more...

Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his face.
Surprised that Johnny was home so early, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?"
Johnny answered, "I was the only one who could answer a question."
"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked.
"Who threw the eraser at the teacher?"

Why are they called old sayings? Are they really old? If someone came up with a new one, would it be a new saying?
"A penny saved is a penny earned."
Who cares about a penny? A more appropriate version would be, "A penny saved is absolutely worthless. Try a quarter next time."
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
Why? What if apples went extinct? What would happen then? What if you were allergic to them? What if your dad was a doctor? Would that keep him away?
"Ignorance is bliss."
I though bliss was a GOOD thing...
"Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
But you can't! Before they are hatched, they'd be EGGS.
"Ask no questions and hear no lies."
But what if they tell them anyway?
"Time is money."
But money isn't time...
"Every bird loves to hear himself sing."
Annoying people don't have anything better to do than listen to themselves more...

A fathers rules to dating;
Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and more...

What do you call a...

Diplomat - A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Optimist - A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Pessimist - A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser - A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father - A banker provided by nature.

Criminal - A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.

Boss - Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician - One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor - A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.