Early Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Rodney files:
My daughter's like Federal Express. When she meets a guy she just absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy... Hey buddy... why are you doing that for? He said... Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him... do you think we'll ever find them? He said... I more...

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office telling me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9: 30am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8: 45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at more...

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened", countered the prisoner.

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins: 1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help. 2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs. 5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7. Tuesday at 4: 00 p. m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9. Thursday at 5: 00 p. m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 10. This being more...

To: All Staff
Cc:
From: Management
RE: Early Retirement
Due to our current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This scheme will be know as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Person selected to be RAPED can apply to the management to be eligible for the SHAFT (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been raped can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided more...

Moishe the Cowboy
In the early 1800`s, Moishe had to go to Omaha on business.
He went to the stagecoach office and asked, "How much ah teeket to Omaha?" The clerk responded, "five dollars". "Too much!" he complained. "Anyvay, I ain`t got $5, I only got $2, so dere!". "Well you ain`t goin ta Omaha for $2, so forget it!" said the clerk. "Liss`n, I got ta get ta Omaha. I got vely imput`n buiness dere. Pliess! Maybe you could do sumtink for me?" "I`ll tell you what I can do," said the clerk. "We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2 and you could ride shotgun." "Vutaya talkin` ride shotgun? I need ta ride on da stegecoych!" said Moishe.
"No, No! You don`t understand!" said the clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and if you see any Indians, you shoot `em."
"Vut you talkin` shoot Indians? I ain`t never shot no more...

3 Easy Ways to Die:
Take a Cigar daily - You will die 10 years early.
Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.
Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.
A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
Three FASTEST means of Communication:
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE
Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their
friends.
A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman. Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral: BE SPECIFIC