Early Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Rock Hill, S.C., woman called police and asked them to arrest her son who opened a Christmas present early after being told not to, the Rock Hill Herald reported. Police went to the house and arrested the boy and charged him with petty larceny.

Mom better sleep with one eye open.

Four friends have been doing really well in their calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.
They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help."
The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."
When they more...

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an verage of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid more...

Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised that Johnny was home so early, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?"
Johnny answered, "I was the only one who could answer a question."
"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked.
"Who threw the eraser at the teacher?"

Poor Bunny ;-(
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I'm saddened to announce the passing of "THE ENERGIZER BUNNY"
His death occurred in the early morning on December 21, 1997.
The ENERGIZER BUNNY, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42 a.m. Upon completion of the autopsy early in the morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Foul play has not been ruled out.
Apparently, someone put the batteries in backwards and the bunny was found just "coming and coming and coming..."

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant." Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.

Three Sardars Who Work In The Same Office Notice That Their Boss Has Started Leaving Work Early Every Day. One Day They Decide That After He Leaves, They’ll Take Off Early, Too. After All, He Never Calls Or Comes Back, So How Will He Know? The 1st Sardar Is Thrilled To Get Home Early. He Does A Little Gardening, Watches A Movie And Then Goes To Bed Early. The 2nd Sardar Is Elevated To Be Able To Get In A Quick Workout At Her Health Club Before Meeting A Dinner Date. The 3rd Sardar Is Also Very Happy To Be Home Early, But As He Goes Upstairs He Hears Noises Coming From His Bedroom. He Quietly Opens The Door A Crack And Is Mortified To See His Wife In Bed With His Boss! Ever So Gently, He Closes The Door And Creeps Out Of His House. The Next Day, The Other Two Sardar Talk About Leaving Early Again, But When They Ask The 3rd Sardar If He Wants To Leave Early Also, He Exclaims, “No Way! Yesterday I Almost Got Caught! ”