Early Jokes / Recent Jokes

You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to
wear to the office.
You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a job requirement.
Buy one big black belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
There'd be no reason to have your colors done.
Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
Should people suggest your belly jiggled... when you laughed...
like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
You'd always work in sensible footwear.
There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho
would remind everyone who's boss.
You wouldn't need to buy an expensive briefcase.
No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
You'd never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.
No more trips to the vending machine...
you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day.
You'd never be asked to take an early more...

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went tobed.The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the more...

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering a package, because you"re sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers more...

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted more...

>
> There were these three guys, a surd, an Italian, and a Jewish guy.
> They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they notice that
> their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together
> and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.
> The boss left and so did they. The Jewish guy goes home and goes to
> rest so he can get an early start. The Italian guy goes home and cooks
> dinner. Our Banta goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the
> door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the
> door and leaves.
> The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go
> home early again. They ask Banta if he wants to
> leave early again and he says,"no." They ask him why not and he
> said,"because yesterday I almost got caught!"
--

Every Saturday morning an avid golfer gets up early to catch his morning tee time and spend the better part of his day playing golf.
One Saturday morning, as is his schedule, he gets up early, eats a quick breakfast and heads out to the course. The weather is terrible; there’s a torrential downpour with snow mixing in and a 50 mph wind.
Defeated, he packs it in early and decides to return home, deciding he can go back out later if the weather improves. He comes back into the house and turns on the TV to the weather channel, which informs him it’s only going to get worse. He puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses, then slips back into bed with his wife. “The weather out there is terrible, ” he whispers.
“Yeah, ” she replies, “can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing? ”

A senior official of a ministry decided to spend a whole day in one of the departments under him. He got there before the office opened and noted that many of the staff came in half an hour or an hour after opening time. He sent for the superintendent and told him to warn the staff that anyone coming late in the future would be penalised.
In the evening he saw many clerks leaving office early. He again sent for the superintendent and rebuked him:' What is going on in your office? So many clerks come late and leave early!'
'Sir, they don't want to be late twice on the same day/ replied the superintendent.