Early Jokes / Recent Jokes
Teacher To Girl: “Why Are You Late? ”
Girl: “I Started Late From Home”.
Teacher: “Why Didn’t You Start Early? ”
Girl: “By The Time I Woke Up, It Was Too Late To Start Early”
A married man and his secretary are having an affair.
They decide to leave the office early and go to the secretary`s appartment for an afternoon of. ......, whatever its called.
They fall asleep and don`t wake up till 8 PM later that night.
They quickly get dressed and the man asks the secretary to take his shoes and go and rub them in the grass.
The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door.
The wife`s very upset and asks, "Where the hell have you been?"
The husband replies, "I was taught in school that truth is very painful, but it sets you free, so I will not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair, we left work early today, went to her appartment, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. That`s why I`m late!!"
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, more...
To: All Employees
From: Human Resources
RE: Layoffs
As a result of the reduction of money for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management.
This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following more...
O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told more...
Earliest Remembrances
What's his name?
How old is he?
Isn't he the cutest thing?
Did my lil' man lose his blankee?
Early
How's School?
And just who do you think you are?
Can't you act your age?
And just what were you doing to the dog with that eggbeater?
Pre-Teen
What do you mean you don't understand History/English?
You call that cleaning your room?
Who told you you could play baseball/basketball?
How in the world could you lose your homework?
Adolescence
Why are you failing History/English/French?
May I see your license and registration please?
Is any girl worth moping around about? A boy your age!
How in the world could you lose your wallet/sneakers/hat?
Post Adolescence
Exactly how long had you planned to stay in college?
Why in the world would you want to join the Navy?
Why can't you settle down with a nice girl?
When will you learn you can't go around saying what you think?
Early more...
BOY: Since we met, I can't eat or drink... GIRL: Why not? ? BOY: I'm broke. BOY: May I hold your hand?? GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy. GIRL: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?? BOY: What time was it?? GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY: You love me... GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?? BOY: Sure, what's your phone number?? GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.. BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?? BOY: I love you and I could die for you! GIRL: How soon?? SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?? TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth. Man: You remind me of the sea. Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? Man: NO, because you make me sick. Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter? more...