Earth Jokes / Recent Jokes

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
The longer the title the less important the job.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but only after we're done with it.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not it's mineral rights.
The moment for calm and rational discussion is past; now is the time for senseless bickering.
The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
The more directives you issue to solve a problem, the worse it gets.
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andy Rooney
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M. Facklam
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley
"I wonder more...

Noah's Ark... If it happened in 2000And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints." Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit more...

An unmarried Rabbi is on an empty train when a sexy, beautiful woman walks into his empty carriage, carrying a foot long, BLT, Subway sandwich and proceeds to sit down opposite him.
After twenty minutes of emabarrasingly trying to avoid looking at the sexy woman opposite the train comes to a sudden halt and a voice comes over the speakers explaining that the Five Minute Warning has just gone off and that soon the UK will be under nuclear attack.
Shocked at this dreadful and sudden news the Rabbi's thoughts quickly turn to the fact that he will probably be dead within the next five minutes. However instead of taking comfort from his faith and religious training he begins to consider all the things he never did and all the experiences he missed out on due to the religious life he chose to lead.
He quickly realises that he is going to die a virgin too, as he is quite a young Rabbi and he never married. Feeling close to despair at this thought and all the other opportunities more...

A man died and went to Heaven. Since it was a slow day for St. Peter, he offered to show the man around. Thinking this was a very gracious offer, the man accepted.
While showing him the sights, they came to a huge room that was full of clocks. "What's with all the clocks?" the man asked.
St. Peter explained, "Every person on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
This seemed to make sense to the man, but he noticed that some of the clocks were going faster than others and asked St. Peter why.
"Each time a living person tells a lie," explained St. Peter, "it speeds his clock."
As they were about to leave the room, the man took one last look around and when looking up, he noticed one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this one, both hands were spinning at an unbelievable rate. "What's the story with that more...

Aug. 12 Moved to Indiana. It is so beautiful here. The rolling green hills are so nice. Can hardly wait to see snow covering them.
Oct. 14 Indiana is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride hrough the beautiful hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.
Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill Such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will start to snow soon. I love it here.
Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Indiana.
Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again to more...

It was the wedding night for a young couple and the groom wanted everything
to be just perfect. He arranged to stay in the Honeymoon Suite of a plush
hotel, and he and his new bride eagerly jumped into the heart-shaped bed
to make love for the first time (at least for him). After making wild and
passionate love for a considerate length of time, they both reached the
climactic moment simultaneously, slipping into a state of utmost
relaxation. At this point, the groom reaches for the telephone.
"What on earth do you think you are doing?" asks the young bride
"Well, I wanted everything to be perfect, so I thought I should call room
service for a bottle of their finest champagne," came the reply
"Well, I used to date Arnold Palmer, and when Arnold and I finished making love
we would wait 10 minutes and make love again," the young groom was informed.
"If that's what you are used to, I will be glad to more...