Earth Jokes / Recent Jokes

New assimilation software turned out to be vaporware; back to square one when the supplier's 1-800 number was disconnected.
Assimilation of Locutus caused chaos as the Borg became caught up in a massive Sam Spade adventure game craze.
If Earth were assimilated, the commute from Borg home planet would be a killer drive.
Collective Borg decided a cube was to complicated a form - awaiting building of a new pyramid ship.
Earth was too blue for their tastes; they were hoping for an emerald green planet, something in a teal, with tasteful lavender clouds.
Bidding war for exclusive appearance in Coke or Pepsi commercials too agonizing a choice... returned home to rebuild decision circuits.
Earth too close to the sun... would ruin their cultivated pallor.
They heard that Worf bragged of personally kicking their butts if they showed their face in the sector again... began laughing for first time, haven't stopped yet.
$29 navigation chip failed... they now have more...

There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity. There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking. There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword. There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don`t know what it`s a plan for. There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. There is always one more bug. There is always one more idiot than you counted on. There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious. There is nothing so habit-forming as money.

The Doctor, The Famer and the H.M.O. executive die and are met at the Pearly gates of Heaven by St. Peter.
St. Peter tells the Doctor, "you took care of the sick and dying while on earth, you are welcome to enter Heaven".
St. Peter then speaks to the Farmer and tells him, "while on earth you nourished and fed the people, you are welcome to enter Heaven".
Then St. Peter looks over at the H.M.O. Executive and says, "you can come in for three days".

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man
give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile
sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Know
this, and you will have come far in understanding men and enriching
your own life..
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing
all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy,
wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life
do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to more...

The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!""H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube." "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide." "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state." "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." "Dew is more...

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."